April 25, 2015

When did you feel confident in yourself?

Laura: This is an interesting question because it reminds me that there are two kinds of confidence in oneself: there is the confidence that others instill in you, giving you an inward happiness, and then there is the confidence that rises up in you seemingly out of nowhere that gives you strength, pride, courage, tenacity, productiveness, spirit, and an outward glow.

I always grew up with that inward happiness. So much of my confidence was derived from pleasing others and getting their recognition. This started of course when I was a young child with very appreciative, generous, encouraging, doting parents. But it also extended into school, where I expected that same level of reassurance from my teachers and classmates. The time that I felt most inwardly confident was the time in junior high school when we had an award ceremony, and all of us students were up in the bleachers, and we had previously secretly voted on a single student in the school who we felt were worthy of a memorial award for someone who we look up to as the best, someone we aspired to be more like. And I won that award. Or at least I was nominated. I honestly can't remember, because it doesn't matter. They said my name and I had to stand up in the crowd. I think I did stand among a few others called for that award, and I truly can't remember if I won or not. I was the meekest, quietest, dorkiest (if not weirdest) kid, but I liked to listen to people and encourage others, and be a good person, and somehow that had won over popularity. I was (and still am) extremely stunned, even if it was only a nomination. It felt wonderful that the school as a whole was willing to recognize me in that way.

Another childhood example of feeling confident, but outwardly, was when I was in junior high school in a strategy-building extra curricular group. I think it was called O.M., but I don't remember what it stood for. There was a presentation we had to do and everyone was nervous, and to boot, when we began our time, our overhead projector stopped working, and while everyone else was a deer in headlights, I quickly thought to look to the wall to plug it in. I acted quickly and jumped right into the presentation, almost without skipping a beat. It made me feel good to be a quick-on-my-feet presenter. There was also a time when in grade school I had the part of the narrator for the Christmas play, which had the most lines. It was the longest part -- and they also gave me another speaking part where I had to pretend I had an accent. It was a big responsibility and I thoroughly enjoyed it. I rehearsed well with the group, could pick up from somewhere in the middle if needed, and loved the whole process. But the night we opened to show our parents, as I stood behind the big curtain, I suddenly forgot everything. I wondered how I could possibly forget everything right before I began to speak! It was frightening and I didn't have a cheat sheet, because I never needed one. But it was gone - the words in my head were gone, and I could have flipped out and ran away offstage, but instead the curtain opened, I walked up to the microphone, and it all flowed out of me from some previously inaccessible part of my brain. I was so happy that I had practiced so much and felt so lucky that it came back to me right when I needed it.

In my adult life, it's harder to say when I feel confident in myself. I act fairly self-assured but there are many what-ifs in my life. What if I never work in animation again? What if I'm too scared to buy a house, or start a family? What if Naveen gets tired of me or I get tired of him and our differences become irreconcilable? What if I spend the rest of my life in this zone of fear and never accomplish anything else relevant to me or my family or the people I care about most? So now, I feel most confident in myself when I can confront or overcome these what-ifs and make an educated, solid choice. I also gain confidence when I recognize flaws and make a solid plan to reverse them and get better, or take action. A recent example of this is my health - in December, I couldn't blow up a balloon for a baby shower, but the 8.5 month pregnant friend and her 60+ year old mother in law could do it easily, so I knew my respiratory system wasn't what it should be, and I felt heavy and ill-equipped in body. It was a scary thought that a person who used to be active in band and some sports could be so out of shape now. Fear can be paralyzing, and even still there may be a desire to "numb out" with food, alcohol, or other additions (online socializing, watching tv, sleeping too much, etc).  So instead I've made a choice to join a gym, get a trainer, and get fit. I'm aspiring to lose just 15 pounds to get into a healthier, more normal weight range, but so far after almost two months I'm feeling stronger and better equipped for life, which trumps weight loss any day. I'd still like to lose the pounds though, so I'm sticking to the plan. It's not always easy, and often leaves me feeling tired and sore, but the fact that it's a goal and I'm working toward it gives me confidence.

I also like my long hair, and generally happy with my body image, minus a bit of a belly and love handles. Depending on the day, I may feel pretty comfortable seeing myself in the mirror - a far cry from me at my heaviest weight when I got out of college and didn't recognize myself anymore. Anything I do to improve my own self-worth and self-image boosts my confidence.

Naveen: I've been feeling pretty confident at work. You have days when you are putting out fires and it's hectic, but those are days when you feel like, "wow, I have a skillset and I'm in demand," and it feels good. There was a time when I was in a class and two other students from an advanced class came in to ask our teacher for help, and the teacher asked me to come forward and help them with their problem. He was actually a bit stumped and knew I could do it. This was a time when I minded my own business and didn't advertise my abilities, not wanting to impede on others' learning. But my teacher showed trust in my skills, and I felt very proud and confident.